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musewithin Some Days I Don't feel like a Criminal.
Nov. 8th, 2008 10:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thenightsurgeonI have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. - Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
There are some days-
Some days. Some. He worries about those days the most because he has a child and he worries so very much about here but there are some days-
Some.
Where it's not enough. Where he finds himself annoyed with the missteps of youth and the common mistakes of every child. Where Shiloh's very presence is enough to drive him mad, where if he saw her his only response would be to turn away and leave. He has no partner to rely on, every seeming failure in preparing her for the world is his and his alone and some days-
Some.
She's slow (everyone has their moments) and it's annoying (He is too. God he is too) and he finds himself restless-stalking back and forth in front of the window like a cat. He takes pleasure in catching himself, in stopping those frenzied footsteps and going upstairs to talk to her, to tell her that he loves her, to listen to every little thing. It is an act of apology on his part. His wonder at being a father always remains fresh that way, some days it's gratifying.
Perhaps I'm not going to hell.
Perhaps I'm not a terrible person.
Perhaps the things that I have done are made right in offering this new life to the world.
Perhaps she's salvation, perhaps she'll save this world our mistakes have made.
Perhaps.
But every day he takes intense pleasure in putting her to bed, locking up the house and practically prancing (prancing! had he fallen so far?) downstairs to dress and go out, between the rooftops and alleys, between the shadows, a veritable ghost, a living shadow.
There are some days he glances back and catches another shadow pacing like a frantic cat in front of her own window wondering why the hell her father's such a bastard, what she did to deserve this and if somehow things will get better.
But most of the time he walks away. It is the province of the free to deny freedom to others so they have something to fight for. To strive for. He is doing right (isn't he?)
Some Days.
There are some days-
Some days. Some. He worries about those days the most because he has a child and he worries so very much about here but there are some days-
Some.
Where it's not enough. Where he finds himself annoyed with the missteps of youth and the common mistakes of every child. Where Shiloh's very presence is enough to drive him mad, where if he saw her his only response would be to turn away and leave. He has no partner to rely on, every seeming failure in preparing her for the world is his and his alone and some days-
Some.
She's slow (everyone has their moments) and it's annoying (He is too. God he is too) and he finds himself restless-stalking back and forth in front of the window like a cat. He takes pleasure in catching himself, in stopping those frenzied footsteps and going upstairs to talk to her, to tell her that he loves her, to listen to every little thing. It is an act of apology on his part. His wonder at being a father always remains fresh that way, some days it's gratifying.
Perhaps I'm not going to hell.
Perhaps I'm not a terrible person.
Perhaps the things that I have done are made right in offering this new life to the world.
Perhaps she's salvation, perhaps she'll save this world our mistakes have made.
Perhaps.
But every day he takes intense pleasure in putting her to bed, locking up the house and practically prancing (prancing! had he fallen so far?) downstairs to dress and go out, between the rooftops and alleys, between the shadows, a veritable ghost, a living shadow.
There are some days he glances back and catches another shadow pacing like a frantic cat in front of her own window wondering why the hell her father's such a bastard, what she did to deserve this and if somehow things will get better.
But most of the time he walks away. It is the province of the free to deny freedom to others so they have something to fight for. To strive for. He is doing right (isn't he?)
Some Days.
